Saturday, December 13, 2014

Here's to making plans.

Life tends to be really messy and it tends to throw you in directions you never thought go. It surprises you. You plan for things and then those plans fall through. Being a child is so fantastic in that sense. Girls plan their dream wedding with Prince Charming and boys plan to own a cool car with a pretty girl by their side. Maybe there is a white picket fence, maybe their isn't. The deal is none of that matters - Prince Charming, cool car, the cookie cutter house. None of it is real. We, as humans, can not plan these things. Ultimately, it is not up to us. I suppose that's why being a child is so neat and so simple. We make plans and we aren't reminded that life has its' own plans, God has his own plans for us. We aren't reminded that sometimes His plans can be scary and sometimes they can be heart wrenching. Sometimes we think they don't make sense and sometimes we lose faith. We don't understand and we let the devil in, and we let him win just a little bit. It doesn't mean that he ultimately wins, but he takes that round. It's scary letting the devil win, but the thing is we can always turn the game around, we can always come back to Him.

My heart tends to leave me sometimes. A black hole takes its place. I get caught up in things I will never understand. I look for answers to questions that can never be answered. I make excuses for inexcusable actions because it is easier than hurting. I let my emotions take over and then I find myself living a complete lie. I say things are okay and I put on this front like life is all rainbows and butterflies. I pretend like I'm not hurting when really I'm just numb to any other feeling but hurt. I would love to say that things get easier and in all honesty I have. I've told them it gets easier, but that is just not the truth. Things do not get easier, they just change.

I have spent so much time looking and aching for a feeling I'm just not sure I will ever find. I have questioned God more than I have ever trusted him. I have fallen in and out of faith. It pains me to write words so true as these but then again the truth never gets any easier. I know He has a plan but I will never understand it. I will never understand the pain, the mistakes, or the messiness. I just know lately I have felt so empty. It is different this time but I find myself falling on old habits. I think what hurts the most is thinking this was all over. I thought I was okay. I thought I was better. I thought things were changing - because I had planned for them too. I planned to be okay. In my head - there is a mental planner and at this stage in life it says "You're okay. It is over and you don't care anymore." Boy, was I wrong.

Carrie Underwood says it just right. "Then it hit me like lightning late one night, I was all out of hope and all out of fight. I couldn't fight back the tears so I fell to my knees saying God if you're there come and rescue me."

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