Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Confession 01

I have this weird thing I do. I have a playlist of music titled "Writing". I only listen to it when...I write! You probably guessed that though. My list is filled with songs that usually put me in a very vulnerable place. Maybe they make me sad, motivate me, or just make me feel so special to be able to share this world with all of you. It all depends on where I press "play" on my list. Today has consisted of Coldplay the entire time and I feel like I could fly. Something about Coldplay just makes me the happiest girl. Call it magic. (If you aren't a Coldplay fan you won't get that.)

I can't help but feel like the last year or so has been absolutely magical even though I have cried a fair share of those days. We will blame my gender on that. Emotions run high around here. In the last year God has taken me and opened my eyes. I see things like I would have never expected. He has taken my life and ran with it. At full speed. Maybe I've grown up and this is it but either way things are different. Its scary to think that just a few short years a go I was in a place where life was not something I valued, it was not something I thanked God for, matter of fact I so badly wanted him to take it from me. I was hurt and every time I stood up, I got knocked right back down. The thing was, the pain from the first time still hurt worse than any other time, and that pain it never left. The day and weeks following up to marrying my T I told him time and time again I was a mess and I had been hurt and I cried more than any normal persons and there would be days where I hated this life and days where I couldn't take it anymore and it would be sad and it would hurt and that he didn't have to be with a mess. I felt like a burden. I felt like everyone was scared to break me because it had already happened so many times and in a way I would never come back from. I really was the definition of an emotional train wreck. I ran when things got hard and I pushed people away when they just wanted to be there for me. I had made my mind up that being alone was the best option for me and anyone else. No one wanted the emotional baggage I was carrying around.

In this time I had quit praying. I had quit believing in Him.

That may be the hardest thing to admit but I was mad. I was mad at Him because I thought that he was just suppose to take care of me and He would never let all those things happen.

Boy. Was I wrong.

All of those things have made me so much stronger. All of those things have made me - me. All of those things have given me the absolute best gift. The gift of life. They gave me C. Most importantly, they tore down my faith only to rebuild it in to something so much stronger. God has just poured his love on to me and thinking about it gives me that over the moon - so happy I am gonna ugly cry feeling. I love this life and to think that at one point I wanted Him to take it from me but HE saved me from that is just..words can't describe it.

In our darkest days He is there. All our worries and fears should rest in Him because if we trust Him then there are no worries or fears. God has got this all the way.

I will leave you with this because it was on repeat for this blog post.

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