Legacy of love.

Two weeks a go my family suffered an awful loss. My sweet great grandmother, Martha Mae Palmer, went to be with Jesus and so many others that we have lost. She went home. My life has been turned upside down and I find myself missing her more and more as the days pass, but I find comfort in knowing that she is no longer hurting and has made it home, because in the end we all will have our day.

Among this heartache I experienced something so beautiful and Jesus filled. Something that had been right in front of my face for far too long, yet I had never seen its beauty before the pain came rushing in. I remember getting the call the night it happened. I remember my body going limp in the kitchen and just crying. I remember Toby telling me to just get ready and we would leave, we would go be with her in her final moments. Moments, I never wanted to have, because the thought of losing her was something I never wanted to endure. None of us wanted to ever believe it was true. 

My Grandma Mae played a large role in raising me and I am more than thankful for that. She always made me drink my milk before bad and read to her every day after school. She laid my clothes out on the old grey recliner that was retired years ago and always made me something special for breakfast. After school there was always an apple on the table waiting for me. As I got older and had my own children things changed. Instead of apples she was baking Lemon-Apricot Cake and always telling Papa to save me a piece or two because it was my absolute favorite. When things were hard she would pray with me, over the phone or in person. She was so filled with Jesus and it always showed.  She loved my babies just as much as she loved me and I am so thankful they had the chance to know her, to even be in her presence. 

Most importantly my Grandma Mae and my Papa Doc loved each other in ways I have never seen love. Not many people meet on a Greyhound bus and experience love at first sight. Several months a go, my husband and I asked them to tell us how they met, because T had never heard the story before.   Through out the story at some point Grandma said "Well, I was sitting down on the bus ready to go to college and he walked on the bus with a cigarette behind his ear and tattoos. I just knew my Mama would tell me no, but I just fell in love with him and I guess she did too because we lived happily ever after." We just laughed and then Papa went on to talk about how ornery he use to be. The best part about it all was just how happy they were. It's like they had just fallen in love all over again, for the very first time. In that moment I knew that love existed with so much more force than I had ever imagined. My grandparents were married for 68 wonderful years and love never left or subsided, it only grew. I've always wondered if people grow old and just become "comfortable" and if love dwindles, but that day I found out it doesn't have to. I am still young and my love for T grows more and more every day in life's twists and turns. I can only hope that one day we share a love like they did. A legacy of love. That's what we will call it. How lucky I was to see such beauty in such pain in these last few weeks. I have been reminded of that day they shared their story with us, that love, and of all the moments that I now hold on to.

Love is so worth it y'all. I am so lucky to have been loved by her.

John 13: 34-25

Did you know that...

• Each day an estimated 800 mothers and 18,000 young children die from largely preventable causes. 
• More than 1 million babies die on their first and only day of life across the world, and 2.9 million in their first month.
• More than half of these maternal and under-fives deaths take place in locations beset by a high risk of conflict and/or natural disasters. 
• 40 million women give birth without any skilled help – that’s more than 100,000 women every day. Even more dramatically, 2 million women a year are entirely alone when giving birth.

These are the facts from the UN’s website: MDG4 (Millennium Development Goals) and from their partners at Save the Children.

The facts are sad but it is a reality. When I was presented with these facts I took a moment to reflect and realize just how saddened I was by this.  

The best thing any person can do is to reach out a hand and to be the voice for these children. A child is the most precious gift anyone could ever receive and to have their life taken so soon is absolutely heartbreaking. Every child deserves a chance at life. They deserve the chance to grow into human beings that forever leave a mark on this world. They deserve a chance to become authors, scientists, doctors, astronauts, dancers, mothers, firefighters, or whatever their heart desires. 

I'll be honest...I have sat and stared at the computer screen for some time now. I was at a loss for words because there are not many words to describe such horrific facts. Disease and death go hand in hand. However, when one thinks of death or disease children do not normally come to mind. Babies do not come to mind. Most individuals relate the word baby or infant to a new life, one that is just beginning, not one that is ending. It is important to support this cause because it does not matter where a child is from, where the child is born, what kind of situation it may be coming from...a child is a child of God and the Lord has asked us to love one another beyond all circumstances. Everyone deserves a chance at life.

John 13: 34-35 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

Confession 01

I have this weird thing I do. I have a playlist of music titled "Writing". I only listen to it when...I write! You probably guessed that though. My list is filled with songs that usually put me in a very vulnerable place. Maybe they make me sad, motivate me, or just make me feel so special to be able to share this world with all of you. It all depends on where I press "play" on my list. Today has consisted of Coldplay the entire time and I feel like I could fly. Something about Coldplay just makes me the happiest girl. Call it magic. (If you aren't a Coldplay fan you won't get that.)

I can't help but feel like the last year or so has been absolutely magical even though I have cried a fair share of those days. We will blame my gender on that. Emotions run high around here. In the last year God has taken me and opened my eyes. I see things like I would have never expected. He has taken my life and ran with it. At full speed. Maybe I've grown up and this is it but either way things are different. Its scary to think that just a few short years a go I was in a place where life was not something I valued, it was not something I thanked God for, matter of fact I so badly wanted him to take it from me. I was hurt and every time I stood up, I got knocked right back down. The thing was, the pain from the first time still hurt worse than any other time, and that pain it never left. The day and weeks following up to marrying my T I told him time and time again I was a mess and I had been hurt and I cried more than any normal persons and there would be days where I hated this life and days where I couldn't take it anymore and it would be sad and it would hurt and that he didn't have to be with a mess. I felt like a burden. I felt like everyone was scared to break me because it had already happened so many times and in a way I would never come back from. I really was the definition of an emotional train wreck. I ran when things got hard and I pushed people away when they just wanted to be there for me. I had made my mind up that being alone was the best option for me and anyone else. No one wanted the emotional baggage I was carrying around.

In this time I had quit praying. I had quit believing in Him.

That may be the hardest thing to admit but I was mad. I was mad at Him because I thought that he was just suppose to take care of me and He would never let all those things happen.

Boy. Was I wrong.

All of those things have made me so much stronger. All of those things have made me - me. All of those things have given me the absolute best gift. The gift of life. They gave me C. Most importantly, they tore down my faith only to rebuild it in to something so much stronger. God has just poured his love on to me and thinking about it gives me that over the moon - so happy I am gonna ugly cry feeling. I love this life and to think that at one point I wanted Him to take it from me but HE saved me from that is just..words can't describe it.

In our darkest days He is there. All our worries and fears should rest in Him because if we trust Him then there are no worries or fears. God has got this all the way.

I will leave you with this because it was on repeat for this blog post.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Hello friends!

It has been a while since I have last blogged and as you can see I am in a new (prettier) location. There is many reasons for this and for a while I have pondered whether I was going to open my new blog with these reasons or not. It only seems appropriate. Those that followed me before have read things I don't vocalize - things I only share on paper (or digital paper - blog). I shared things that I rarely speak of. The problem with that is my emotions took the best of me and I started shutting down and losing sense of what the purpose behind me blogging was. The purpose was to let things go and to be honest. I didn't do that though. I didn't let things go. I found myself writing about a series of events that have forever left a mark on my life and I found myself dwelling over them. I found myself back in the black hole I was so eagerly fighting to come out of. So I did what I normally do and I left - I ran as far away from that blog as I possibly could and I refuse to ever look back. Some of my best writing may be on there but some of my saddest most painful thoughts also reside there.

Now what? Now I have new "dreams" for this blog. I have new dreams for just about everything pertaining to me. Its fair to say I am living more positively and things are finally looking up. Life really is good and I owe all that to God. There was a time when I questioned my faith and I questioned Him. I didn't understand why everything had happened. I didn't understand how I was suppose to believe in someone when I was hurting so badly. How was I suppose to pray to someone when I was as damaged/broken/and hurt as I was? Because I had lost faith and I couldn't think of the right things to say and whether I wanted to remain here or not was questionable in my mind. Further I went in to this black hole, but things changed. The sun began to shine again and finally the right words were coming. I was asking for strength and little by little I was reminded that God does not give us anything we can not handle. I was reminded that he is constantly with me. I was reminded that if I asked - He would be there. It was such a simple question and yet I had to be reminded that asking was all it took.

So here I am. Just as raw as I was before. As some of you know I don't really have a filter. I feel like its important to be honest and its important to be real. The only difference between then and now is that I am no longer drowning in all of those feelings and memories. I am on the other side now and now I am working through them in a positive light, because this time my faith is strong and He is always with me, working through these things and reminding me all the time just how lucky I am that I came out of that black hole.

Hello life - its nice to have you back! I won't be checking out anytime soon.

Brooke